What is Love?
It’s a question as hard as asking a physicist,“What is time?”
Is it SRK’s jackpot formula of friendship? Remember the golden words from KuchKuchHotaHai…
“Pyardostihai…aur agar wohmeri sab se achchi dost nahin ban sakti to mein use kabhipyarkarhinahinsakta.”
Or is it just Oxytocin rushing through your blood? Recall the good old days of High School crushes when you’d be completely smitten by your sweetheart. A naive hint of their sight or smell would be enough for your heart to get all racy in your chest and be ready to jump out. Yes, that was Oxytocin at work. But like every other chemical, this one faded too and we all grew up.
Now, it’s late twenties or early thirties…
Are your parents grumpy, pestering you round the clock to get married? Is your Facebook page flooded with annoyingly happy pictures of your friends’ weddings? Did you just havea heartbreak? Are you in a rebound relationship? Do you have a rulebook to fall in love? Have you been adding more partners to your daily planner than office meetings? Are you hopping club-to-club looking for that special someone?
If your answer to any of the above questions is ‘Yes’, and if you are on the right side of 25, well, you might just be the perfect candidate for the ‘hustled-marriage’ pit.
A very fascinating trend is catching up amongst people in their late twenties. They are rushing into relationships and getting married for the sake of their rapidly ticking biological clocks. This pattern is far worse for people who have had their heart broken recently, for their rebound relationships are likely to land them in wrong marriages. The same goes true for people looking desperately for love.
Men and women seem to be tying the knot at older ages, with the new median age about 26 for women, and 28 for men. The proportion of women in live-in relationships rose from 3% in 1982 to 11% latest.The number of women in a first marriage also saw a decline of 8%, a news channel reported. The results are based on the interviews conducted with 12,279 women and 10,403 men.
The most recent surveys tell a story of 50% survival chance. If this is your first marriage, the chances of its survival are about 50% bleak. Youngsters, these days, are finding it hard to ring the marriage bell at the ages between 22 and 26. They are far too busy in their careers and social circle to be tying the knot, or dwelling in mature relationships for that matter. So, whenthe right time, and a set of grousing parents come, they fast forward the already late marriage. It’s only after spending a few years into the marriage that they realize the mistake they committed by haphazardly choosing the wrong partner, all for the sake of getting married atthe right age, peer pressure, and a family rolling their eyeballs at modern life choices (for they fear you’ve commitment issues, or if you don’t marry at just the right time, you may wind up in a rickety chair with someone distorted in later years).
Your family and friends, they want a wedding, with all the glitz and Band BaajaBaarat, but what you want is a marriage that lasts for a lifetime.Yes, the wedding day effervescence is exciting, but as soon as the wedding day passes, ittends to fade in a couple of years. So, before you lose those knickers and jump in bed with that newly found stranger, let us define some bare minimum rules for a successful relationship-
What is Life for you?
Which of these punch lines is you? What is your wholesome attitude toward life? Which is the way you live life?Astonishingly, the answer to this simple question is half the solution. A person,who does not see eye to eye with you on the answer, is not even a near perfect match for you, no matter how wonderful the chemistry today seems to be.Do you like to travel or stay indoors? Do you like to eat out or you prefer home-made food? Do you like to make friends or are you a shy bee? Remember however flexible and loving you may be, you cannot change the real you for a life time. Sooner or later you are bound to end up yourself. And when you do, and the answers seem to be different, wreckage begins!
Best Friends Hullabaloo!
Yes, the world is talking about it. Yes, the movie makers have gone wild over it. And yes, almost majority of best relationships are based on friendship. Yet many of us seem to underrate the power of friendship in a relationship.If you’ve a hard time having a heart-to-heart with your sweetheart, or if they are not all ears to whatever it is you’ve to say, no matter how trivial it may be, you’ll wind up crying your Boohoos over someone else’s shoulder. A majority of married men and women end up havingemotional affairs with their best buddies, due to lack of friendship in their own marriage. What’s worse, society is still coming to terms with the concept of emotional infidelity. Hence, they find nothing wrong with it.
So ladies, if you’re holding back on having a lifetime party with the sweetest guy in your life for the mysterious prince charmingwho might or might not come galloping a horse to sweep you off your feet, you should probably get your friend-zoning-goggles off.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!
Once upon a time, a very wise man quotedSex as everything but sex! If your relationship is more about ritual sex, than irresistible passion, err! Trouble! If friendship is the base, sex is the cement of your relationship. Friendship and Sex are two common denominators of any successful relationship. A lot of couples try to enforce the feelings of friendship and passion in their relationships. Unnecessary force in any relationship is a recipe for disaster. The best relationships evolve naturally, of course apart from the basic level of maintenance that is consumed by every relationship.
“Total intimacy-knowing someone through and through, especially over the course of many years- requires a sustainable merging of minds and feelings over time.”
-Abigail Brenner (MD and Psychiatrist)
The Fun and The Dull
So, all ofus like Geetfrom Jab We Met -One who is always on about life, is never exhausted, takes frilly risks that go awry, and ends up being miserable in love (till ShahidKapoor shows up and resurrects her lost chirpy personality).
Point of precaution – Not everyone is wired to deal with the Fun, or on the contrary, the Dull. Some of us are supercharged all the time, whereas some of us like it quiet.
“Barack didn’t pledge riches, only a life that would be interesting. On that promise he delivered.”
-Michelle Obama (The First Lady)
When the fun factor (or dull factor) fades, mostly as a result of initial attraction fizzing out, it takes the relationship with it and people outgrow each other. To put it in a nutshell, mixing hot oil and cold water is never a good idea. You will always end up in deep crisp disappointment.
Be My Safety Net, Honey!
When that cricket ball hit you in the eye, who did you go running up to? For most of us, the answer is family.Whenever rough spots hit us in our lives, we looked up to the people we knew would never let us down.Is s/he truly your safety net, someone you can fall back on when tough times come calling? Is your spousal safety net tight enough? Hard times are the litmus test of who’s truly yours and who isn’t.Being There is a handsomely rare quality. So, find someone who would be there even when all hell breaks loose. Runners serve you no purpose in the long haul of life.
Oye Bubbly!
I pretty much hate my half-filled Coke bottles 2 days after opening the caps, for they never taste the same. Something seems missing. Oh yes, the fizz dies out! Surprisingly a vast number of relationships suffer from the very same phenomenon. People often mistake initial attraction to be love and as soon as they phase out of it, they realize the fizz is missing.
Lesson – There’s a great deal of difference between short term attraction and lifelong commitment. The latter should not be based on the former.
Make no mistake. Nowhere do we intend to say that opposites don’t attract each other. As a matter of fact, they do. And as a bonus, they bring about those teeny-weeny clashes that add spice to a relationship.Opposites Attractis a dimension that brings excitement between two people; that materializes challenges and fun in a relationship. Ever seen one of those couples, who seem to be sailing in an intense, often rocky and passionate boat, yet somehow they remain mysteriously bonded. Then there are those with personalities so fixed, egos so big,that the resulting dynamic tension keeps the relationship on a teeteringseesaw. And yet you can’t help but wonder if they deliberately incite a riot just to have an opportunity to get all frantically charged up, and then throw themselves into the steamy lovemaking that ineluctably follows.Fireworks!
So, the summary of the cuisine of that great love -Add a layer of passion over a layer of platonic friendship; compound it with the ardent feeling of camaraderie that comes from sharing a common, deeper understanding and you have your own personal soulmate! Your relationship is supposed to be fierce, fun and fabulous.So don’t just settle because the clock is ticking, or the gal around the corner has a pretty face, settle for someone who you share anabstract understanding with, a connection so solid that it will see you through thick and thin of life.

Rakhi Malhotra

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